Return of the Kankers
by ShutUp321
Summary: 2 years before present day the Kankers left Peach Creek for Canada, now they're back in need to earn the Eds' trust so they can have a better childhood then the last time they were in Peach Creek
1. You say goodbye

The Kankers Return, just sit there and read the F*ING fanfic okay! I dont NEED a disclaimer! it's called FANFICTION dot net for a REASON, you dont NEED to put the dang disclaimer! Sorry for the behavior, enjoy the show, before the show, a few previews

The Following PREVIEW has been rated FE- for Funny Eds

He thought he was an ordinary boy...

Edd: I'll get you some cupcakes Dudley! Just SHUT UP!

Living in an ordinary cul-de-sac...

He checked the weather, cloudy with a chance of... OWLS?!

He was wrong...

Ed: My name's, uh, Runoold Westley? *Takes out card from his pocket* Oh, Ron-ald Weas-ley.

Edd: I'm Harry, Harry Pott-Ed.

HARRY POTT-ED, AND THE SORCERER'S JAWBREAKER, RATED PG, FOR CRUDE HUMOR, OWLS, MAGIC CRAP, STUPIDITY, COMIC GENIUS, AND JAWBREAKERS

* * *

Hey kids!

Kids:WAAAT?!

It's time for the show, Jimmy you didn't have to pee into that cup, the preview's there for a reason!

Jimmy: I peed into this up for nuttin? *throws cup over shoulder and hits Marie Kanker*

Marie: AAAGH! WIMP PEE!

Edd: What?

Marie: err, nevermind. *washes pee off* ROLL DA FILM!

3

2

1

BEEP!

-The Kankers return, part 1, Departing Prologue-

In the VERY disgusting trailer park

Ed: Didn't we all see the trailer?

Sarah: SHUSH! THE MOVIE STARTED!

-Kankers' trailer-

"But moooom!" Began Lee irritably, "We don't WANNA move!"

"They're pulling down the trailer park tomorrow!" Said Milleeay Kanker, the Kankers' mother, "I called a cab, they told me they could move us to Canada within 2 hours, be happy this guy charges a dime a minute! otherwise I wouldn't have any shopping money to stash in this house!"

"Trailer!" Corrected Lee, "And what about our poor boyfriends?"

"Big Ed's going to be so sad that I'm gone." Said May, with puppy dog eyes.

"Grr, Fine, make it snappy th-" The 3 Kanker sisters blew out of the room as though they were wearing rocket packs, "-ough, aah, teenagers."

-Ed's backyard-

"Eddy, are you telling me you want to rebuild the sauna scam?" Edd asked, irritated.

"You got me right Double D." Said Eddy, "It's winter now and thus we need to make people, HOTTAH."

"A week from Christmas, please give it a break, Eddy!" Said Edd, "The last thing we need now is a Kanker ambush, well, first we'll need-"

"YAHOO!" Yelled Marie as she hopped onto Edd, knocking him over.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF ED'S BASEMENT IS GOING ON?" Yelled Eddy as Lee jumped onto him.

"We're saying our goodbyes cutiepie!" Said Lee as she put lipstick on.

"DOUBLE D HELP M- wait, goodbyes?" Eddy looked around at Edd, but he was already knocked out in Marie's arms, lipstick all over his face.

"We're moving to Canada because they're tearing down the trailer park." Said May, while she clinged onto Ed's jacket as said Ed runs around in circles.

"GET IT OFF!" He screamed.

Eddy said, "Wai-!" There was a squishy feeling and a flash of red and young Eddy was lying on the ground as the kankers left the backyard with their heads hung and sobbing, a piece of paper with Marie's kissmark and handwriting lay on the ground, Eddy picked said paper up, "Hey Double D I think this is for you." He looked over and saw Edd just getting up.

"Are they gone?" he asked, "I was playing dead."

"They're gone, but they left a parting note." Eddy handed Edd the note he found on the ground, he read aloud:

_**--Dear Eds, PLEASE meet us at 8:00 AM at the trailer park, you might see some wrecking balls but don't mind them, come with your full attention I need to give Double D one last thing before we leave.**_

_**-Love (I hope) Marie--**_

Double D had a stern look on his face, he looked up from the note and two words escaped his lips "We're going."

Eddy stood there, jaw wide open, "Doubl-!"

"EDDY I'M TIRED OF YOUR QUESTIONING WE'RE GOING AND THAT IS FINAL!" Edd's face had gone a shade of scarlet, then he stomped off into the snow

-16 hours later, at the trailer park-

Ed and Eddy approached the trailer park with fear as Edd walked ahead of them, "Honestly, they're LEAVING, can't you just suck it up for once?"

"FINE!" Eddy wailed grumpily.

The Eds saw the Kankers and their mother waiting in front of their trailer, May practically weeping, Lee's hair that covered her eyes was soaked in clear warm liquid, Marie stood there, eye make-up wet and runny.

"Pleasure to meet you Mrs. K!" Eddy said with a forced smile.

"Excuse me Marie?" Said Edd, approaching Marie, "You said in the note there was something you wanted to give me?" Without a word Marie jumped onto Edd, stuffed something into his coat pocket, kissed Double D only once this time, but on the lips, and walked into the trailer.

Eddy couldn't believe it but he almost saw his sock-headed friend smile, and maybe even mouth the words 'i love you', he looked over to Ed to see if he had noticed too but he was occupied with me who was clinging onto him practically making a life-sized replica of niagra falls with how much she was crying, Lee gave her a very heavy look and she let go, all three Kankers (and their mother) walked into the cab to Canada and drove away with their trailer.

At this point you'd think that the Eds would go home and celebrate, but all that happened is that Edd began to cry a bit, tears were streaming down his eyes, he turned to Eddy and whispered "Peach Creek will never be the same without those three girls."

"What'd Marie put in your pocket?" Asked Eddy.

"I haven't a clue..." Said Edd as he reached into his coat pocket, and pulled out a brass key with chipping red paint, the Eds just stared at it with confusion, they couldn't linger any longer though, as a large bang against the Kankers' old trailer spot told them it was time to leave immediately.


	2. I say hello 2 years later

-Chapter 2, Merry Kristmas Double D-

Two years and 5 days later...

The kids of the cul-de-sac were once again in the holiday spirit, Eddy hoping this would be the year he wouldn't get clothes, yet Christmas wasn't the same without the Kankers, the kids thinking this as the third time they wouldn't hear explosions coming from the trailer park and the re-enactment of Jesus' story leading to the smooching of the century for the three Eds.

Edd and his giant coat replaced by a coat that didn't make him look like an adult swim character from a show with a killer baby, while he was cleaning the snow off of his father's car, he is 14 years of age and now has dirty blond locks sticking out from under his hat, it seemed as if another year and that old beany woud be all worn out, yet he refused to remove his cap as his trademark was his hat, as he was just scratching snow off of the car's windows he heard a faint 'plup' behind him, he looked around and saw a small box with a navy blue bow, Edd picked the box up and saw that it was locked, he read the note tied to the ribbon

Dear Cuddlemuffin, You may recognise who this is from hence the nickname, we have changed since our last encounter with you, I'm pretty sure you know I love you now, Merry Kristmas Double D.

Love, well, you'll have to guess

P.S. I see you with but one eye, but am not a monster

Double D re-read the note several times, and said under his breath: "I get it." He retraced to the part where it was spelt "Merry Kristmas" Christmas is spelt with a C not a K, Merry Kristmas... M.K... Marie Kanker, "The key!" he said, and he searched his coat pocket for the key he had been holding in his other coat pocket 2 years ago, he found the key and took a good long look at it, the tooth... two teeth of it and the shaft made a K, he inserted the key into the lock and turned it, hearing the small *clunk* of the tumbler, and opening the box he could not believe what he saw... the same red lipstick despenser from the day he and his fellows tried reverse psychology on the Kankers, (for those who do not know it is called "A twist of Ed, Season 4 episode 12") suddenly he heard a soft 'beep beep, beep beep' coming from his watch, the time was 8:30.

"Oh dear I'm late!" He said, he dashed into the house, grabbed his back pack for one last day of school before the holidays, and dashed down the street for Peach Creek Junior High School, he couldn't tell his fellows because there was absolutely no talking in class at this age, but once lunch came-

"NACHOS!" Ed yelled and he stuffed his face full of cheesy cafeteria nachos.

"Where the hell is sockhead?" Asked Eddy.

Edd dashed into the lunchroom and sat down at Ed and Eddy's table, Eddy did not just have 3 simple hairs on his head anymore, he combed it out one day and saw that he was almost the same as Ed, only with spiky black hair, as for Ed, his mother didn't like his buzz cut so he used a broken tin can to comb out his hair and a full head of Auburn hair was revealed.

"Eddy," Edd began, "I'm not sure you would refer to this as 'good news' but the K-!"

The door to the lunchroom burst open and three once-evil figures appeared in the door, AKA The Kankers, the three of them just sat with their bowling, automechanic, and giant smudge lunchboxes.

Marie was now wearing a blue tank-top with the number 8 on it and baggy cargo pants with many pockets, she now had black hair and the locks of hair covering her right eye had been cut away, revealing both of her eyes.

May now wore a red long-sleeved shirt and pinkish pants, and her buck teeth was filed down to normal front teeth, she also had longer hair (Believe it or not).

Lee's hairdo was a swervy one at the front and a bit of a ponytail at the back, she now wore a white T-shirt with one big dot in the center, she now also wore baggy blue pants like Double D's.

Ed and Eddy had already hidden under the table and put a large white tablecloth under it, because of the dance on Christmas Eve (It's optional now, just a dance, no school) there were not enough tables so the only three remaining seats were the ones at the Eds' table.

Edd said, "Excuse me?" to the Kankers, "Would you like to join me and my fellows at this remaining table?"

"Thanks." Said the three kankers at the very same time, they all sat down at the Eds' table and Double D felt a tugging at his pant leg, he saw his fellow, Eddy's hand pulling on his pant leg.

"Pardon me for a moment," He began, "I'll be right back." He slipped under the table and saw Eddy, furious, saying "ARE YOU CRAZY SOCKHEAD?! YOU JUST LET THE FREAKING KANKERS INTO OUR TERRITORY!"

"Eddy don't you think the Kankers would've attacked RIGHT when they came into the cafeteria?" Edd asked.

"FINE! But show them what's under your hat first!"

"I'll do so as soon as we come to so! But first we have to converse with them and then we'll get to the hat sequence."

The Eds got out from under the table, believe it or not, Eddy was the conversation starter.

"So, How was Canada?" Asked Eddy.

"We got stuck in a robbery while we were grocery shopping." Said Lee.

"They tried to fool everyone with a BB gun that was spraypainted black like in Home Alone 3, but it didn't much fool anyone and the robber got run over by a-"

"Eddy got ran over by a reindeer!" Ed sang, "Walking home to his house Christmas Eve!"

"Does he always do that?" Asked Marie.

"You should see how he is around Halloween." Eddy said, "He hums the Halloween theme."

-Flashback-

Ed: *Hums Halloween theme for the 8th time*

Eddy: SHUT UP ED!

-End Flashback-

"WHY HAVE YOU RETURNED DEMONS OF THE STINKY TRAILER!?" Ed yelled.

"Ed! Manners!" Edd pulled Ed's ear.

"Owie!" Said Ed.

"Good, you've learned your lesson." Edd let go of Ed's ear.

"Our mother raised enough money to buy a house in Peach Creek." Said Lee, "We only left because Park n' Flush was being torn down."

"We knew that," Said the Ed's in unison, "Hey! Stop that!"

The Kankers giggled.

"Aren't you due for an attack right about... now?" Asked Eddy.

"Oh my God why haven't you figured it out yet, you had 2 years!" Yelled Lee.

"We're out of it!" Yelled May, "We aren't the crazed psychos that we used to be!"

"We also came back to Peach Creek for another reason," Marie began.

"Why?" Asked the Eds in unison again, "Cut it out!"

Marie stuck out her hand nearly curled into a claw, the Eds flinched, the hand reached out for Edd, he shut his eyes tight, and then, he felt the best feeling he ever felt, he opened his eyes and saw what Marie was doing, she was scratching up on top of his head and for some reason he had never been able to make it feel that good.

"How did you know?" Asked Edd, moaning with pleasure.

"Your personality is a stress signal, our mom had one, it's always a part of the body that was very itchy, you do not want to know where our mom's was."

"Agreed." Said Edd, randomly, he thought it was 'the time'.

"Excuse me?" He asked, "Would you like to know what is underneath my hat?"

"that is about an eighth of the reason why I fell in love with you!" Marie said eagerly.

"Ed?" Asked Edd, "The Border."

"Right!" Said Ed, and put a huge stone border around the table.

"Daaaaamn." Said Lee.

Edd carefully removed his hat like Henry Jones Jr. removing the idol from it's pedestal, and in a flash of light... they saw it!

"Oh my God!" Yelled Lee.

"It's like a big fuzzy rainbow!" Cried May.

"I don't see what's wrong with it." Marie said simply, but she was stopped dead when she noticed, it was the most amazing thing you could find on your head, it was all different colors in random places, and there were patches of it that made it look much longer, three hairs of dirty blond hair stuck out in front and back of his head, and there were a few patches of reddish in his hair along with some brown.

"I think you should let that hang out a bit instead of hiding it." Said Marie.

"You're right Marie." Edd replied, and patted out a bunch of his hair, it was even longer than MAY'S now!

"Hey, look, Repunzel's kid!" Eddy joked, Marie clouted him on the head, "Heeey? It was just a joke!"

Ed lifted the border as Edd put his hat back on, but still, the colorful hair hung out it was hard to believe that 2 years later it would STILL be a mystery what was under his hat, and Jonny was the one who was still trying to find out, so he walked up to Edd and said, "Hello Double D, is this the day you finally show what's under your hat?" Edd nodded, "Right on!" Cried Jonny.

Did we forget to describe Jonny? I'm sorry, he was wearing a green shirt that had a stripe going through the middle, he wore long baggy pants and red and white sneakers like Rolf's only smaller, he has a light brown afro.

Did we also forget to describe Edd? Oh my lord, and the other two Eds! Okay we'll describe them in order...

Ed had a large black jacket instead of his old green one which he kept in a time capsule for good memories, he also wore a light red shirt under his jacket, his pants were still baggy and dark blue, only instead of size 14's they were now size 16's, he wore blue and white Nike sneakers.

Edd had a sleeveless shirt that was dark red over a purple long-sleeved shirt, on the front of the sleeveless shirt it said 'Peach Creek Book Club official sleeveless shirt' in light blue Times New Roman font letters, and he wore long baggy green cargo pants, and he wore dark red sneakers with a white stripe and a Reebok logo on them.

Eddy wore an orange t-shirt with a red long-sleeved shirt underneath, he also wore purple baggy pants because it seemed like the trademark of the Eds to him to wear baggy pants, he wore brown slip-ons with no brand-name.

As the characters meet each other you will know them from time-to-time, now then, back to the story.

Edd then caught sight of the dance poster, "I think that we should take advantage of this truce, lords and ladies." he pointed towards the poster. "What do you think?"

Ed and Eddy started sweating, thinking 'Eddy: Oh my god we're actually going to dance with girls who love us. Ed: GOOD GRAVY! I NEED TO GET MAY A BOX OF CHOCOLATES! And I need to consult Sarah.'

"Agreed." Said Eddy and Ed.

"Yes." Said Marie.

"I'm gonna be with Ed!" Said May happily.

"Bring on the 70 pounds of MAN!" Lee yelled.

Marie just stared at Lee with a WTF? Expression on her face.

"Sorry," Lee began, "Not the most appropriate to say in a fanfiction written by a red-haired-."

"IT'S GINGER!" The creator cried.

"Ginger-haired boy." Lee corrected herself.

-MEANWHILE AT THE FOURTH WALL IN AFRICA-

"Hey, dis fort wall is awmost finiss'd from da last fort wall break!" Said a random guy who built the fourth wall, suddenly, the wall broke and squished the random guy, "Ah, we shuda made it outta steel!" Suddenly the creator of the fanfic came in his gicantic form and said to the random guy, "What the heck are you doing in my fanfiction?"

"Stup you are breakin' it moar!" The creator picked up the random guy and put him in a cardboard box with very tiny holes.

"And why the heck is this guy dressed up like he was 13th century?!" Yelled the creator.

"Iss juss for effect!" Yelled the random guy muffled up.

"I'm sending you to my fanfiction!" The creator kicked the box to his fanfiction, and the box was somehow normal sized.

"FREE BOX!" Cried Ed, and he opened up the box and saw the random man.

"Ey? Why'd I get so small? and why da heck are you looking at me like that? Am I in America?" The random guy said, now as big as a Sweet Tart.

"SHOE FRESHENER!" Yelled Ed.

"No no no!" Yelled the tiny random guy and Ed stuffed him into his shoe and is now a character in the fanfiction.

"Ed?" Said Eddy, "Your shoe is screaming."

"That just means the new shoe freshener the creator gave me is working."

"Cool there are more in this box!" Yelled Eddy, seeing all of the fourth wall builders.

"Good things come to those who sit." Said Ed.

"Cool!" Eddy yelled, "One of these is a seat freshener!"

"That's just cruel." Said Jonny.

PAUSE!

"Okay." Said the creator, "Since these tiny fourth wall builders have left the fourth wall in a shoebox, I've put my creator's touch spell on the fourth wall to fix it whenever it's damaged, but since some crude humor will erupt if I continue this story any further, we must end this chapter."

A tiny fourth wall builder rolled a golf ball around a miniature golf course.

"Man that's just weird." Said the creator.

NO OFFENSE WAS MEANT DURING THIS CHAPTER 


	3. I'm CaraMarieDansen

You've waited and you've asked nicely, so here it is, chapter 3

-Chapter 3, I'm Cara-Marie-Dansen-

-AT EDDY'S HOUSE, HALF AN HOUR UNTIL THE CHRISTMAS DANCE...-

"There is not a CHANCE I'm wearing what I wore to the 4x-annual 'Shut Up And Dance' Dance, Eddy!" Edd said, refusing to wear the fake mustache Eddy was attempting to get under his nose, "I already have an excellent sense of style right here." He held up his brown school jacket cut in half and spliced with a tiger skin Casanova suit.

"Nobody told me we were supposed to dress up as Batman villains!" Eddy said, "I threw out my Joker costume yesterday!"

"I know which character you mean, Eddy," Edd began, "But I have grown a liking to this Batman character, do you have a white wig I could cut in half?"

"I got a crazy white wig right here." Eddy said, and he pulled out a crazy white wig.

"And now, If I remembered those sewing lessons carefully enough, "Edd took out his spare hat, two needles, and a pair of scissors, he cut his spare hat and the white wig in two, then spliced both of them together with the needles, and gently put the new wig on. "Are we ready to leave gentlemen?"

"WAIT!" Eddy said, "I don't know what I'm supposed to wear!"

"Oh," Edd began, "I almost forgot, I have one for you!" He pulled out a white suit with a black collar and a black tie and black pants, and optional sunglasses.

"The master of style has been re-incarnated!" Said Eddy.

"And Ed," Edd began, "You wear this!" He pulled out a green suit with a purple tie, and dark blue jeans (It's supposed to match his personality.)

"Ed Underwood synonym!" Ed said happily, and he and Eddy quickly changed their clothes.

"Gentlemen," Edd said as Eddy finished zipping up his coat, "Tonight, we fly."

"TONIGHT," Ed began, "WE DANCE, IN SCHOOOOOOOOOOOL!"

"You let him watch 300 didn't you Eddy?" Asked Edd.

"C'mon man it's a good movie!"

**-INNNNN FRONT OF THE SCHOOOOOOL!-**

The Kankers waited patiently in front of the school, it was snowing out, and rather windy, thus Marie's hair was blowing in the wind and there were flakes of snow in her jacket.

May complained, "MY HAIR'S BECOMING UNDONE!" she tried straightening her hair.

"Well mine's FROZEN!" Lee replied, her hair dangling with icicles in stalactite form.

May was wearing a long skirt and dancing shoes, her hair trying to be maintained as it unraveled like a roll of toilet paper going down the stairs.

Marie was wearing a maroon shoulder-less shirt, making her extremely cold, dark black pants, and somehow, her hair had grown longer.

Lee was wearing a red sleeveless shirt over a green long-sleeved shirt to be festive with blue jeans and a white belt.

"Sorry that we're late, dear Kankers!" Edd said as he ran to the school.

"Hey E- WHOAH who are these HOT chicks?" Kevin said as he stared at the Kankers, now with his tongue sticking out in amazement, Kevin now had braces and a dark blue hat, a tight orange long-sleeve shirt, dark green cargo pants, and black New Balance sneakers, but right now he was wearing a black leather jacket (the one he stole from Eddy in A Fistful of Ed).

"Excuse me, Kevin, but those are the Kankers." Edd said.

Kevin just looked like he killed someone, "Err, can you excuse me and the Eds for a sec?" And he took the 3 Eds around the side of the school, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS? You better have a pretty good excuse for this!"

"Kevin, calm down! They've changed their ways!" Edd said, "They're different now."

"YEAH RIGHT!" Said Kevin sarcastically, "I bet as soon as they actually team up with you, you'll start making scams and WRECK THE WHOLE CUL-DE-SAC... AGAIN! This better be finished by Valentine's day or you're GONZO, DORK! And reMEMBER, when WINTER ends, YOUR RELATIONSHIP ENDS FOR GOOD!" Kevin made the 'I'm watchin' you' sign, and walked away.

"F*CK YOU SHOVELCHIN!" Yelled Eddy when Kevin was out of earshot

"Lets get to the basics." Said Edd, they went back to the front of the school where the Kankers were waiting.

"Um, pardon us for that intrusion, OH and by the way, Merry Christmas, Marie!" He handed Marie a present, it was round, she opened it up and then came, you guessed it, a jawbreaker!

"Oh thank you so much!" Marie kissed Edd on the lips once more, and he had a happy expression on his face.

"Uh, shall we enter the school?" He asked, and held the door for the Kankers, they went inside and saw Nazz and Sarah doing patty-cake, because they were 15-minutes early.

"Patty cake, patty ca- Oh, what's up dudes?" Asked Nazz.

"Ed, who are they?" Asked Sarah.

"They are Kankers!" Ed said happily.

"KANKERS?" Shouted Sarah, shocked.

Nazz threw a fried dough at Marie.

"FREE FOOD!" Cried May, and she dived in on Marie, "GIMME GIMME GIMME!"

"Right..." Said Nazz, who had a 'WTF' look on her face.

"Err, let us explain." Said Edd, Ed and May munched on the fried dough on the floor, "The Kankers have reformed in the last two years, and are now FRIENDS to the cul-de-sacians."

"Friends?" Asked Sarah, who was not sure if that was possible.

The intercom shouted: "ALRIGHT DANCERS, GET ON THE DANCE FLOOR AND GET READY TO SHAKE IT 'CAUSE WE'RE ABOUT TO PLAY DA FIRST SONG!"

Caramelldansen started playing.

"Uh, may I have this dance?" Edd asked Marie, Nazz being shocked, a hint of jealousy was on her face.

"I thought he liked ME!" Nazz whispered to Sarah, who was ALSO jealous.

"Ed is so dead when we get home." Sarah whispered back.

AFTER EDD DRANK 18 ROOT BEERS AND SIXTEEN DANCES WHICH WERE INDEED **VERY** HARD TO DO!

"Uh, Double D." Marie began, "We've known each other for a little while, well, I knew you didn't like me before but since we re-met I know you haven't kissed ME ye-"

Edd kissed Marie on the lips for the longest period of time (10 minutes) and finally, tossed cookies all over the floor.

"Yuck." Said Nazz.

"Yuck about the kissing or the puking?" Asked Sarah.

"Both." Said Nazz.

"Uh," Edd began, "Sorry, Marie, that wasn't you, that was all the root beer and co-" he barfed some more, this time LITERALLY tossing cookies, as in chocolate chip chips ahoy cookies splattered all over the floor, "Excuse me for a **Burp **MOMENT!" He ran into the bathroom and an explosion might as well have been set up as he was tossing a WHOLE BAKERY of cookies!

"What the hell was that?" Asked Eddy.

A few minutes later Edd walked out right as Rain.

Edd asked Marie, "Do you want a refreshment?"

"Yes," Said Marie, "Can you get me a root beer, and you should also get yourself some water, you don't look so good.

"Alright." Said Edd, then he hurried over to the refreshment stand, Marie stared at a wall but instead she stared at Nazz's angry face.

"HE IS SUPPOSED TO LIKE _**ME**_!" Yelled Nazz.

"You should've paid more attention to him!" Marie yelled back.

"You should keep minding your own business!" Nazz replied.

OVER AT DA REFRESSMENT TABUL! ED GET OFF THE COMPUTER!

Edd was just pouring his water and turned around to get some punch, Kevin secretly emptied a mixture of caffeine, sugar, plus a little something of his own into Edd's water.

"Ah, there we go." He said, "Punch and water." And he carried them both to Marie, he handed her the punch, and took a small sip of his water, then he felt a surge of energy just for a second, "Err, Marie." He said, "Would you mind If I walked you home?"

"That would be gr-" Marie began, but Nazz interrupted.

"I think he wants to walk ME home." Said Nazz, still jealous.

"No, I want to walk Marie home, Nazz, thank you for the offer though."

Nazz slapped him. "You want to walk ME home, not that b*tch!"

"How DARE you!" Yelled Edd.

"Back off sister!" Screamed Marie, "Lee! Get the egg-beater! This EGG needs a good BEATING!"

Edd called over Ed. "Ed! HOLD THEM BACK!"

Ed did so and held them back.

"LEMME AT 'ER!" Yelled Marie.

Nazz yelled, "You know I'll beat you to a bloody pulp, so why bother fighting me?" Then she left the room with a glazed look in the eyes.

Sarah grinned evilly at Ed, "I'M TELLIN' MOM!"

"Sarah, you cannot tell on Ed for making peace with the neighbors!" Said Edd.

"I can if my mom hates the Kankers, Double D!" Said Sarah.

"But she DOESN'T!" Ed yelled, and right then, Sarah was STUMPED, she had never been defeated in such a challenge of wits, especially by her own brother!

"Come along girls," Said Edd, "Let us leave the subjects of S and N unattended to."

Every Ed and Kanker walked out of the room more calmly than ever.

At the end of the walk back to the Kankers' home, the Eds stared upon its greatness and unfamiliarity, it didn't even seem like a house at all, all it was was the Kankers' trailer built around with extra levels and a front porch.

"Um Marie, didn't you say you bo-"

"Oh, I'm sorry, did we say bought a house?" Said Marie, "I meant built around the old trailer."

"Can't bare to part with it." Said Lee.

"Thanks for the escort, Double D." Said Marie, "And by the way, you have been holding that glass of water for the entire walk..."

Edd looked down at the glass, then up at the house, then the glass again, then the house once more, "Well, bottoms up!" And he started to chug down the water, which was full of caffeine and sugar courtesy of Kevin Beater, suddenly, his eyes widened, he screamed, "AAAAAGH! I SEE VISIONS! MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP!" Then he felt pain he never felt before, it was like Ed's fist, it was like... Marie's handbag, and before he knew it, he was on the ground, having a seizure, behind the bushes Kevin and Nazz were discussing what just happened.

"Traditional Beater family seizure aromatic, two bucks apiece, Nazz." Kevin said, holding a small bottle of light brown liquid, "It also causes nightmares and gruesome visions."

"DEAL!" Said Nazz, swiping the bottle from Kevin and giving him two dollar coins.

-Edd's Subconscious-

Edd's nightmare began with a black space around him, it seemed never ending and suddenly he heard a terrifying shriek, due to his instincts he began running, then he tripped and seemed to fall, he felt something pull on his purple sleeve, it ripped off and an orange sleeve grew, the same thing happened to his other sleeve, then the bottom of his pants were pulled off, they looked like shorts now, the old shorts he used to wear when he was twelve, then his legs felt like he was wearing long red tube socks, he was indeed, the ones he used to wear two years ago, then he felt his hair shrink back underneath his hat, and only the 3 hairs sticking out remained, then he heard a laugh, a recognized laugh, a laugh he hoped he would never hear again in his life, it was Marie's old wicked laugh from his tween years, then he heard a dark shadow FLING at him, then he heard Marie say,

"Come on out love muffin!"

Then before they made contact Edd felt a shearing pain in his arm.

CLIFFHANGER ENDING


	4. Wake up n' Smell the Mistletoe!

**Return of the Kankers**

**Chapter 4- Wake up n' smell the mistletoe!**

Edd screamed himself awake and kept screaming, the shearing pain in his arm was almost relaxing at the same time. His eye site was bright and blurry, but he could tell that a shining line was sticking into his arm. He didn't know exactly what it was but he didn't want it there any longer. He immediately yanked it out of his arm and flung it across the room, it was the most irresponsible thing he had done, but considering the circumstances, he didn't care.

"Eddward?" said a voice, "Eddward, calm down, it's just us."

Well that definitely worked for Edd, at that moment, he had stopped screaming, but he couldn't stop shivering at all, or sweating, the voice that had told him to calm down belonged to his mother, it was calm, sweet, and smooth.

His mother was a very kind woman, she wore a white collared shirt, a long black tie, black pants and high-heels, and she wore her black hair in a tight bun.

Edd started speaking in a wheezy, whisper-y voice. "I...I'm okay."

Then, a proud, strong voice said, "Are you certain, son?" It was his father, he was a tad strict but always nice. He usually wore a white-collared shirt, a bow-tie, tan dress-pants, and a bowler hat.

"You have been out for near half a day!" His mother told him.

"Oh my... I feel a bit dizzy..." Edd said, he looked across the room... his room, his eye site was clearing up a bit, he saw a long butterfly syringe jammed into the wall, its butterfly-wing shaped handle seemed to be a bit loose.

"Well we are glad you are alright, Eddward," His father said. "Come downstairs and we'll give you some more medicine for your headache, we would also like you to open your presents."

"Merry Christmas, Eddward!" Said Edd's mother.

-TIIIIIIII IIIIIIII IIIIIIII IIIIIIII IIIIIIII IIIIIIII ME SKIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIP!-

The 3 Kankers, Eddy, and Ed, walked silently down to the sidewalk, they had seen these weird wooden rails right nearby, Eddy and Ed seemed to know what they were for but they were trying to keep it a secret.

May and Ed were having a satisfying discussion about cornbread.

Lee and Eddy were having a discussion about the economy and how the Econo Company was skyrocketing.

Marie walked alone, she had no one to have a good conversation with, at least a one on one conversation, however it got quite interesting when Eddy said that the Econo Company's cornbread was on the top 10 'most bought' list and Ed and May spoke with Lee and Eddy on a conversation involving money and corn.

Then, they started to feel a small vibration, and in the distance, the sound of a constant chuff, like a steam engine, and then behind them, they saw something large and silver heading up the street, indeed it _was_ a steam engine. Yet a rather small one, but still a steam engine. It looked as though it were nailed together from iron scraps, Marie looked ahead of her, she saw a small building right next to the wooden rails, it had a platform like a train station.

"Ooh! Right on time!" Eddy exclaimed, as he was looking at his watch, It was the holiday train, meaning it came on holidays as well as school days, only it came at 12**:**00 instead of 7:30, and it was right on schedule. The steam engine was large and bulky with six drive wheels, and Marie couldn't believe it.

"All aboard!" Said a voice that made Marie sigh in relief.

"And of course, all females aboard first, please." Said Edd, climbing out of the engine cab in a cloud of smoke.

"And I thought you actually ditched me!" Said Marie, "Because I probably would've murdered you after you did that." She said in a false dark expression.

Double D wheezed in fright.

"You know I'm only joking, oven mitt!" Marie laughed.

Double D sighed in relief and looked up to the cab, where a dark-haired boy was sitting, he called to him, "Could you cover my shift, Steven? I have a little business..."

Steven nodded with a broad smile and stood up and tossed a shovelful of coal into the furnace, only to be bombarded with ashes and soot, Steven coughed and continued with shoveling.

Double D turned to his friends and said, "No meaning to nag, but could everyone please deposit 10 cents for tickets? I'll pay for my own, too, of course." Double D pointed at a red booth on the station platform with a small box with a slot in it.

Now, two years have passed so don't think that the Eds are flat broke like they always were in the old days, Eddy carried a few dollars around for his pocket money but he spends most of it on bubblegum and jawbreakers, while Ed carries half the planet in his wallet considering the debris that falls out whenever he tips it upside down, so it took a few minutes to get past the stop sign and the half-chewed baby carriage he had when he was two years old when he finally found a small 10 cent dime, covered in dust.

Once they had all deposited 10 cents into the box, there was a small 'clunk' and they waited for their tickets, then suddenly, a large ticket roll which was 15 inches in diameter hit Edd square in the chest.

"Cut 'em yourself bub!" Screamed the ticket master and he ducked back underneath the ticket booth.

They all noticed he had a teddy bear and a pillow propped against his neck.

"It must be mid-morning nap." Said Edd, rubbing where the ticket roll hit him daintily.

Then they saw Jonny in a blue uniform and a conductor's hat. "Okay, fine Plank do you want to say it? Okay." Then he held Plank up with majesty, everyone stared at him blankly, not knowing what to expect, then after nearly a whole minute, Jonny finally spoke again, "Okay guys you know that's the signal now get on!"

Now everyone stared at Jonny, they weren't getting the clue.

Jonny looked at them with sheer frustration and yelled, "Okay, fine, all aboard, wood-haters!"

Nobody really wanted to stand around much now that Jonny had a 2x4 plank of wood in his hand and called them wood-haters.

Double D tore out six tickets and left the rest out on the ticket booth, the ticket master's hand then crawled onto the table and took the tickets, everyone heard him say 'mmm' as if it were a doughnut.

"Sleep-eating... not a good habit." said Eddy as they stepped into the passenger coaches.

When they stepped into the coaches, Edd had hoped they hadn't expected much, because all of their seats were just different kinds of chairs lined up in the way seats should be on a train, but of course the seats were nailed down. That was required in a public moving vehicle in order for it to pass inspection.

"Pretty good structure." said May.

The windows of course were just even square holes in the wall with glass placed inside of them.

"Oh you're just saying that." Edd said.

"No, seriously." said Marie. "For a fourteen-year-old you make a mean steam engine."

"Why thank you, I appreciate that you're enjoying the locomotive." Edd said.

"Well, we better find seats," Said Eddy, looking at his watch again, "the train stops again in 12 minutes, and you don't wanna be standing when it JOLTS to a stop."

"I guess I can't argue with that." Said the Kankers in unison.

Then the PA speaker overhead announced "Attention, passengers, attention, next stop, Merda Avenue."

"This is our stop, buddy!" Jonny said to Plank a few rows behind the Eds.

'You said we were going out for ice cream' Plank replied in Jonny's thoughts.

"After we visit _grandma!_" Jonny told Plank, "Otherwise she just sends us $5.00 bills for Christmas instead of granola bars!"

'I could think of a few uses for five dollar bills, like ICE CREAM' Plank did one of those plank-of-wood death glares where they don't change their facial expression at all.

"What's wrong with Plank?" asked Sarah, looking over her seat with a bored expression.

'I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT'S WRONG!' Plank lunged at Sarah.

Sarah started to scream and try to throw Plank away, "AAAH! AAH! GET OFF ME YOU- wait a minute, you're a plank of wood! YOU CAN'T FIGHT BACK, PLANK!" She threw Plank straight at the wall, Plank bounced back and hit her square in the nose.

Meanwhile, back where the main plot is taking place in the front seats, the main characters were conversing about the high cost of cornbread and the low cost of butter.

"I mean why would butter be cheap when you still need to pay nine bucks for something to spread it on?" Eddy said.

"Well, it is the holiday season and a lot of cooking and baking goes around this time of year so it would make sense." Edd replied.

"Maybe they just don't know what to do with the cr-" Marie was interrupted by a snowball hitting the window with a 'thunk'.

Edd looked out the window after the snowball slid off of the window and saw Kevin with a dirty smirk on his face and a dirtier pile of snowballs next to him.

Eddy also looked out the window and said, "ah, shovel-chin ye be a sore loser, that boy hasn't talked to a girl in 18 months."

The Kankers looked hopeful.

May said, "Does this mean we're..."

The Eds looked puzzled for a few seconds, then they all talked at the same time.

Ed: "Oh sure we're uh..."

Edd: "Well it does seem proper..."

Eddy: "This fic is a romance after all..."

All of which was said at the same time as the fourth wall cracked a little.

The Kankers all said, "YES!" And slapped hands.

Marie asked, "So, uh, where'd this train come from?"

Edd said, "Well, it's kind of a long story," as May fished around in her seat for a snack someone might have left on the train, then he began the story.

"The story of this 1912-style locomotive begins about a year and a half ago, when a shortage of gasoline was starting to affect its own prices in Peach Creek. The school programs were running out of funding for transportation fuel, so one day after a long walk to school, a large poster was hanging on the front door, stating for us to help the school by donating money or finding ideas for transit." Edd took a breath, "so one day, I walked into the principal's office and laid down some blueprints and maps for my idea, after a few weeks of talking to the mayor of Edmond, Oklahoma* we finally had enough metal and coal to build and power a 19th-century passenger train and he had confirmed there would be rails built legally around the entire neighborhood and thus, the Peach Creek express was born!" Edd took another breath. "And, as long as these trains run, I get 30% of the profits provided by the fair passenger students and travelers each drop-off and pick-up, we also have a special grocery route on Tuesdays for half-off."

The train gave a wee jolt.

"This is our stop!" said Jonny.

'You owe me a triple-chunk icy fun fudge for this!' said Plank.

"BUT IT'S THE MIDDLE OF DECEMBER!" Jonny yelled to Plank.

"This is also our stop." Edd said, "Sadly, the railroad doesn't connect to the far side of the cul-de-sac but it's not a far walk."

As they departed from the train, Edd walked up to the cab of the engine with a small sack full of coins in his hand, he walked up to Steven who was covered in soot, and handed him the small sack.

"Thank you, Steven there's your pay," said Edd, "tomorrow we'll get you the rest of it."

Steven smiled, gave a thumbs-up, and climbed back into the cab.

Edd called up to him, "Thank you, I'll call the assistant train attendants to assist you!"

Steven smiled again and eased on the train's throttle gently, and once again, the Peach Creek express slid out of the station as Ed cheered, "AND WE'RE OFF!" Edd said "Indeed."

–

They walked about three blocks until the Eds turned around and faced the Kanker sisters.

"Would you mind closing your eyes for a minute?" asked Edd, the Kankers hesitated, "Don't worry, we'll guide you." Edd grinned innocently.

The Kankers shrugged and shut their eyes, the three Eds guided them around a corner as their seeing-eye Eds, then after about 10 steps, Ed said,

"Alright, the ma'ams can peeks now!"

The Kankers opened their eyes and felt so touched that they wanted to close them and open them again to make sure it was real.

KANKER MEMORIAL PARK, read a plaque sitting upon a brick pillar nearby a small cobblestone path leading down a lush green field surrounded by trees, in the distance they saw a tall strong classic-looking playground next to a refreshment stand that served several different kinds of meats, perfumes, and for some reason, axle oils, and in the distance in the center of the whole park there lay a tall strong (good-looking) stone statue of lord Kanker, wearing a powdered wig and a long tailcoat reading 'L. Jeffery Kanker'.

The Kanker sisters looked upon it in awe and took a deep sniff of the freshly mowed grass (which was half-drowned out by the scent of recently fallen snow.

Then Edd said, "And guess where it's located?" He pointed to the surrounding road, an old dirt one nearby a picket fence.

May said, "And all this time we thought some old World of Warcraft geek was buying it to make a new GameStop!"

"So you appreciate it?" asked Edd, "and you aren't going to go into a hideous fit of rage and destruction possibly causing World War III?"

Marie stared at him awkwardly.

"OH! Not that you're hideous or anything!"

Eddy helped Edd, "because you're definitely not!"

The Kankers looked relieved, then Marie had remembered something, "so, all that talk on the train about romance and all..."

"Don't worry, it's _definitely_ official, we are all as you say, _definitely hooked up._" Edd did air quotes at the last three words.

May giggled and shrieked in happiness and gave Ed a bone crushing hug, but Ed, being the loveable oaf he was, gave May an equally bone crushing hug.

Lee gave a toothy grin and looked at Eddy, who chuckled and began to sweat, he looked at the camera and said, "To be continued, next chapter."

_**WILL THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN ED AND KANKER PULL THROUGH? WILL NAZZ AND KEVIN RESIST TO BEAT DOUBLE D TO A PULP? WILL NEXT CHAPTER TAKE ANOTHER SIX MONTHS TO ESTABLISH? FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON RETURN OF THE KANKERS!**_

___This program is brought to you by Bacon & the Crazy Kid, a comic bearing wacky adventures between Beckan and his insane brother, this comic is not yet published/rated, AND the patient fans of ShutUp321._

Sorry for the long wait BUT MY GUILT HAS LIFTED, expect my next chapter: Home on the Mange within two weeks.

***Edmond, Oklahoma: **This wasn't really my idea, but there is a Peach Creek in Edmond, Oklahoma and it has that subtle Ed Edd n Eddy touch in the name which is _very _hard to find.


	5. Home on the Mange

**Chapter 5- Home on the Mange**

**Disclaimer: May be a tad disturbing**

"Okay, girls, you know the rules, bed by 10:30, and if you invite anyone over they can stay until 8:45." said Milleeay Kanker.

"We got it!" said Lee, not looking up from her phone.

The Kankers' mother was about to go to a bingo game with her friends, she snatched up her handbag and headed for the door.

Marie walked in from the kitchen, she had a cookie in her hand, she looked up from her snack and her eyes widened, then she shouted, "MOM! WAIT! LOOK OUT FOR THE BROOM!"

It was too late, she made contact and the contents of her hands flew into the air as she stumbled.

"LEE, LOOK OUT!" yelled Marie.

Lee looked up from her phone and she saw her mother's handbag flying towards her, Lee closed her eyes and ducked, there was a loud 'TFF' and the bag was gone, along with her mother's personal items, Lee looked around at the surprised expressions of everyone staring at her. "What?" said Lee. "You guys are scaring me."

"Lee..." May began, "Um, well, it's hard to explain without it sounding weird."

"Lee? How long has it been since I've taken you for a haircut?" asked Milleeay.

"I'm afraid to count anymore." Lee said.

"Does your head feel heavier or anything? Marie asked.

"What are you talking about? Of course not!" said Lee, "Why?"

"...I'll call a specialist." said Marie.

Edd walked in through the door wearing a large overcoat and a barber's tool belt, plus a suitcase. "Did someone call?"

"Hey, muffin, thanks for coming," Marie began, "We've got a weird situation here."

"Uh, what's the problem?" Edd asked, Marie whispered something into his ear, when she was finished, Edd looked at her wide-eyed and said, "Oh my, that's... very interesting."

"WHAT'S interesting?" yelled Lee.

"Could you excuse me for a moment?" said Edd, he walked to the door, opened it, leaned out, and said, "Uh, fellows, could you bring in the equipment?"

Ed and Eddy came in, each carrying a large box, Ed put his down on the coffee table and emptied it, inside was a computer monitor and some wires, Eddy put his next to Ed's and unloaded it, it was full of microphones, ear-pieces, more wires, and a keyboard.

The Kankers' mom came in and handed a small box to Edd. "You might need this. It's a jungle in there."

Edd opened the box, it was a revolver pistol, everyone was wide-eyed towards it and Edd was frightened by it.

"So THAT'S where the family gun was!" said May.

"WHAT IS THIS?" yelled Lee, everyone continued to ignore her.

Ed seemed excited toward the revolver pistol, "Ohhh boooy! BAM BAM BOOM BOOM!"

"There is NO WAY I'm going in there!" Eddy yelled, "God knows what kind of pre-historic monsters are in there. No offense, crumb cake." he said and looked towards Lee, who was as confused as ever.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU _TALKING_ ABOUT?" Lee yelled, "You're REALLY starting to scare me!"

"I guess I'm going to be the one to break it to you." said Eddy, a grim expression on his face, "Lee, Double D, Ed, and Marie are going to CLIMB into your HAIR to extract your mother's HANDBAG which HAPPENED to make contact and DISAPPEAR when your mother says she TRIPPED."

Lee was wide-eyed, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" she ran around in circles like she did when Plank fell into her hair in 'For the Ed, by the Ed', "YOU GUYS ARE CRAZY!"

"HOLD HER DOWN! SOMEBODY!" Marie and May snatched Lee by her arms and held her down and put her into an armchair. "Okay, Eddy, May, Mrs. Kanker, you're going to man the monitor and the cameras, Marie, Ed, and I are also going to take the cameras with us, and the microphones." he hooked his headset onto his ears, then he attached a miniature camera to his headset. Marie and Ed did the same, however Ed had put his on backwards. There was a 'plop' as it fell to the floor, he didn't seem to notice this.

Eddy tried to place the camera back on to Ed's head, but he had done this lazily and it had fallen off once more, he tried this again, and yet again it fell off, this repeated twice more and all the same it repeatedly fell off. "Damn Ed you have slippery ears!" Once more he- oh I don't need to repeat myself, he failed the next time.

"What?" Ed replied, "I'm sorry, didn't hear ya, my ears already ate."

Eddy attempted this one more time and, on contact with the floor, the camera shattered.

"Eddy, that's expensive equipment!" said Edd.

"Don't blame me! Ed's the one who smothered his ears in French fry grease before we got here!" Eddy handed Ed an abnormally large cotton swab, and quietly hummed 'clean-up clean-up' as Ed cleaned his ears to the tune.

"That's enough, I think we can work with two cameras." Edd finally said, disappointedly. "Is everyone prepared?"

"Oh, wait, before we go in!" Marie scuttled off, a few seconds later, she came back with various objects in her hands, the objects were: A fedora and a coiled bullwhip, she plopped the fedora on his head and pushed the whip into his hands, then she pulled out a camera and snapped a picture, "This is going in the photo album!"

"Thank you for the suggestion of wardrobe, but-" Edd began, then Marie gave him the puppy-dog eyes, Edd smiled and said, "Oh fine, if you insist."

Marie said, "Yes!"

"Okay, NOW is everybody ready?" Edd asked again.

Ed and Marie nodded, Eddy turned on the monitor and nodded as well.

"Alright," Edd began, "stool, please?"

Miss Kanker gave Double D a tall wooden stool, and he placed it right next to the tied-up Lee.

"Okay, Lee, I want you to stay _absolutely calm_." said Edd.

Lee nodded and began to take deep breaths.

Edd climbed on top of the stool and began to lean down on the top of Lee's head, and started to part hair for him to climb in, then he began to crawl in, and then he was gone.

Edd parted more and more hair as he headed downward, then in mid-parting, the hair began to clear and he had fallen completely through the hole he had made, he fell at least 20 feet until he landed on something soft, he opened his eyes, and looked at what he was lying on, it was flesh, he was in a clearing of hair, like a jungle.

The clearing had a radius of 20 feet all around him.

"This is absolutely amazing." he said, as he flicked on his flashlight, he looked up and saw a small parting of light above him, he switched on his camera and his microphone. "Eddy, Eddy, do you read me, I am in the mange, I repeat, I am in the mange." He waited a few seconds and then he heard Eddy's voice.

"Copy, Double D, we are clear on your visuals, your camera is fully functional, we're sending in Marie."

Edd heard some faint rustling above him, and a few seconds later Marie plopped down next to him. "Good God, this is amazing!"

"That's exactly what I said!" Edd replied, then he once again activated his microphone, "Eddy, Eddy, this mission is ago, I have achieved Marie, now please send down Ed, I repeat, please send down Ed.

Without warning Ed had landed on Marie with a yelp, "It's like Oscar's trash can!"

"It's like your wallet." Marie replied, muffled. "Now get off me or I'll shave your eyebrow."

Ed didn't need to be told twice as he lifted his bottom and helped Marie up.

"Thank you, Eddy, I have achieved Ed," Edd began, "I will report back when I have a visual on the handbag, Ed, if you will?"

Then Ed pulled out a machete.

"_What's that for?"_ Marie said, surprised.

"Oh, it's to clear the hair." Edd replied.

"You aren't going to make her like, bald, or anything are you?"

"Of course not, this is only, apparently, the first layer of hair." said Edd, "I don't think it can possibly affect her appearance."

"Good." Marie replied.

"We're off." Edd said, little did he know, there was a spy among them.

Ed walked ahead of Edd and began chopping down hair to a size that was tolerable, and they began to walk through the shortened hair that Ed was making, a few minutes later, once again they came across a clearing, but this one was different, seemingly this one stretched on and on into the distance, and there was a river of yellowish substance silently trickling by.

"Oh dear," Edd said, and he sniffed the river a tad. "Rotten hair products!"

"Ugh!" said Marie, "how are we going to get across this without our flesh peeling off?"

"Wait a moment..." and Edd looked up to see a patch of leaning dry hair, it looked firm, and it was sticking out, Edd pulled out the bullwhip he had been given. Marie looked at it.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Driving the fans crazy!" The screen cracked a bit as the fourth wall had been broken, there was a loud snap and the bullwhip had wrapped around the patch of dry hair, he tugged the whip, it seemed like it would hold.

"Are you serious?" asked Marie.

"It's either this, or one of us is the raft." Edd replied, "and Ed is dirty enough."

"You bet!" Ed exclaimed proudly.

"Fine." said Marie, "But I'm going first." she walked up to Ed and took the end of the whip, she closed her eyes, held her breath, and hopped up, firmly grasping the whip, and swung across the river.

"Me next, I suppose." said Edd, and he waited for the whip to swing back to his side of the river, then he grabbed it and swung across like Marie had done, he landed on the other side and tossed Ed the other end of the whip and said, "alright, Ed, it's your turn to swing."

Ed smiled widely and grasped the whip, he jumped up and swung, but this time it was different from the others, the hair that the other end of the whip was wrapped around began to lean because of Ed's weight, Ed panicked as the end of his coat gently brushed the river and sizzled silently, Ed went wide-eyed and began to scream, the ends of his toes began to touch the other side of the river, however the rest was leaning backward, slightly.

Edd and Marie yelped and snatched the ends of Ed's coat and began to drag him over, Ed was _still_ screaming when they had succeeded in getting him back, it went on for two and a half minutes before Marie picked up the revolver and shot it in the air.

-Meanwhile-

Eddy's eyes were glued to the monitor screen, hardly believing what he was seeing, and Milleeay had been looking at her daughter as she rested, then suddenly something small, fast, and made of lead shot out of her hair and blasted a hole through the roof, and Lee woke up and began screaming again, a second later something else popped out of her hair, it was a paper airplane, Milleeay unfolded it and read the message, which said: _Dear Mrs. Kanker, send us the repair bill when we get out. Sincerely, Eddward Riley_.

-Back in the Mange-

Marie put the revolver back into its holster, and looked relieved that she had finally calmed Ed down.

"Marie, you owe me an estimate of 24 dollars and 16 cents." Edd said.

"Later," Marie replied, "Let's keep going."

Edd pushed Ed in front of them and he once again began to chop down hair, from a distance, a mysterious figure stared at the gang with menacing eyes.

10 and a half minutes later, the gang came across a small parting in the hair that made it seem like there was a small object sitting there, in front of them there was what looked like to be a thick door made of packed and shedded skin with markings on the front that looked like they were made by the ancient Egyptian culture.

Edd kneeled down and began to pick up shedded skin and put it into a small sack, "This is it it, this is where the purse landed."

"Our goal?" asked Marie.

"Our priority, this is tricky, this is very tricky, Ed, could I see your machete?" Edd asked.

Ed handed the machete to Edd, Edd felt around the sides of the door, apparently trying to find the edges, his hand felt into a crack, and he shoved the machete into it, (But remember, kids, it's only _shedded_ skin!) once he had fastened it in there, he began to pry the door open. the door began to move, as it did so, thick gases began to spray and hiss out of the sides of the door. Edd began to gasp and fan the air away. He coughed a few times and began to push the door open to an acceptable opening. The team walked in, and once again they were being spied on by distant eyes.

The trio began to tiptoe through what seemed to be a hallway.

"Now everyone keep your eyes very open for any hidden traps." Edd said.

This seemed to get Ed excited, and he started prancing down the hallway, singing a song to the tune of _"They're in Love, Where Am I?"_ by _The Weepies_, "Booby traps, booby traps. Booby traps, booby-" Ed's foot sank into the ground and there was a 'click', just then, a giant scissor (made up of smaller scissors) dropped from the ceiling at high speed and sank into the floor right next to Ed, he wen't wide-eyed again and looked at the foot that had triggered the trap, "BAD FOOT! YOU ALMOST BARBER-SHOPPED ME!"

"Ed, what have I said about blaming your body parts for things they can't possibly do?" said Edd.

Ed looked sad, but still menacingly glared at his foot.

The band of main characters continued on, but more cautiously and more aware, aware of dangerous traps, they turned a corner to find themselves about 20 feet from the handbag that started this mess, it was sitting solemnly on a pedestal.

Edd looked carefully at the floor, there was a pattern of various rhombuses leading to a space around the pocket book, in the pattern some of the rhombuses were darkened, obviously they mean't something.

"Where have I seen this before?" Ed thought, then he gasped and picked up a walking stick that had gotten lost in Lee's mange and gently pushed it against one of the darkened rhombuses, the rhombus sank into the ground and one of the teeth from a broken wooden comb shot out of a hole in the wall.

"Stay here." Edd said.

"If you insist, senor." said Ed in a Spanish accent as he plucked the tooth out of his head.

Edd began to hop along the floor, avoiding the darkened rhombuses as best he could, sometimes he would stumble and the others would hold their breath, but usually the outcome was okay.

Finally he hopped away from the pattern and stood in front of the pedestal where the handbag was kept, he bit his lower lip and reached into his coat pocket, he pulled out the sack of shedded skin, opened it, reached in, and poured a handful out, ignoring how disgusting it felt.

He tightened the rope on the bag and readied his hands, they were outstretched and ready to snatch the bag, it took him a couple seconds to suck in the courage, but with one swift movement he replaced the handbag with the sack. (If anyone can figure out what we're referencing by now, please give yourself a pat on the back).

Edd sighed with relief and began to step away, but he heard a grinding noise from behind him and looked back to see the pedestal slowly lowering to the ground, he panicked and began to run across the pattern, comb teeth bounced off of him and clattered to the ground, he looked back to where the pedestal was, clumps of hair were beginning to collapse behind him, the group headed back out into the hallway. As they were turning the corner, they heard the sound of something soft and heavy hitting the ground and rolling toward them, they turned around to see a big clump of packed hair rolling like a boulder toward them.

"WHAT KIND OF SICK HAIR STYLIST DOES LEE GO TO?" Marie yelled, they headed down the hallway and jumped out of the door, the boulder continued to follow them and the door was crushed to powder as the giant hairball continued its journey to crush them.

They began to run down the path they had made, the hair boulder still following them and increasing speed as they sloped downhill. Soon the river was in sight, there was no time to whip across, Edd thought this called for desperate measures and yelled, "We're going to have to jump!" They began to try and pick up speed, the river was coming closer, foot by foot, 10 feet, eight feet, six feet, four feet, two feet, a foot, and then they left ground.

It was a time of anticipation, and a time of slow-motion, (chariots of fire plays as they sail through the air) Edd stared at the river of hair care products as he began to descend from his great leap, he closed his eyes, hoping for not a wet burning feeling, but a soft, firm feeling.

And that's exactly what he got.

Edd felt relieved to feel the 'ground' once more and watched as the hair boulder began to dissolve into the river of what was now acid, he thought they were finished, but turned to see a blow dart tube in his face.

Marie began to look up, her hair tethered and her eye bulged as she saw what was there, "No way."

Ed then looked up from where HE had landed, "No way, too cool!" and gave a wide smile.

"Hairte rohadék! Megpróbálja ellopni a szent kézitáska, hogy esett az égből pár perccel ezelőtthair!" said one of the three tribesmen pointing at the group.

"No, I'm pretty sure my mom was not a lady dog." said Ed, "and that purse belongs to my girlfriend's mom!"

The tribesman turned to Marie, "Hairte vagy a köcsöghair?"

"Oh she is not a female dog, and she would be mine." said Edd.

"Hairò, oké, majd, hogy a furcsa pénztárcáját, és itt hagyni a homoszexuálisokhair." The tribesman then left without a word with his comrades.

"That was easy." said Marie, "What language did they speak?"

"Well, Marie, isn't it obvious?" asked Edd.

"HungHAIRian!" Ed chuckled.

"That's corny." said Marie.

Edd turned on his microphone and said, "Eddy, come in, Eddy? Do you read me? I repeat, come in, Eddy."

-Meanwhile-

Eddy was banging his fist on the table and laughing his head off at the corny joke when he heard Edd on speaker.

"_Oh, Eddy, you are there, well, I'd like you to prepare our ascent."_ Edd said over the microphone.

Eddy stopped laughing and tightened his face, "Uh, Double D, heh heh, what is the escape route, exactly?"

-Back in the Mange-

"Oh yeah we just- uh, oh, oh dear." Edd said quietly. "Okay, free hands, any ideas on how to escape?"

Ed raised his hand. "How about we just dig upward?"

"That's the worst idea I've ever heard." said Marie.

"Actually," said Edd, "that's a clever idea. If we could just get Lee to move to a proper gravitational pull without destroying the system, in other words, if she could just turn over without her head's support we could use the gravitational pull to exit the mange at a proper speed by parting hair towards the ground."

-Meanwhile-

Eddy had heard what Edd said, picked up a crowbar, and held Lee's head in place as he faced it downward.

-Mange-

"Are you ready up there Edd-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" as his feet left the ground everyone screamed and floated upward, Edd looked towards where they were falling which was the hole they climbed through to get there, he put his fist first like Superman just in case there was any debris awaiting it, however the first thing it hit was a lost airplane, they continued to fall after they slid off the windshield and then- *fut* *fut *FOOT* they simply landed on the floor.

"Jeez, hammerspace makes everything look awkward, doesn't it?" said Eddy, then he heard the sound of an airplane engine, "Oh God." And before they knew it, all six of them were underneath an airplane. "CURSE YOU, HAMMERSPAAAAACE!"

"Somebody call an ambulance... I can't move my arms!" yelled Edd.

"AND A BARBER!" yelled Milleeay.

**THE END**

This chapter is dedicated to my fans for waiting so long, but YEAH BABY! JUST UNDER A MONTH!

Anyway this is the most ridiculous the story will ever get, after this we are returning to the EddxMarie theme, FOR NOW.


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